I'm gonna try to piece together the scattered reports about issues with Age of Redemption 2015 v1.3 mod. In the process of doing that I also need to consider how to approach the Let's Play series that has been in limbo on my YouTube channel. Considering that I had to make a changes to the code half way through the episode, I may need to reconsider how that series should continue on. Given that E-Mods.net YouTube channel has mostly been a technical channel on how to's for modding Vampire the Masquerade - Redemption, I may go in the direction of a behind-the-scenes development series of the Age of Redemption mod rather than just a Let's Play. This may include code snippets consisting of debugging and where new features are being implemented into AoR. Only major issue with attempting this series is my state of mind. A lot of focus is needed for mod development and admittedly I had been burned out on modding for awhile. There's nothing new about that. I've gone through a hiatus when it came to modding VTMR in the past. When Age of Redemption first came out in 2006, there were no further updates till 2009. There had been lighter gaps in development since then. I had skipped 2011 altogether as well as 2013. Nothing new there.
With that, there may or may not be an AoR 2016. Just depends on IRL issues and my state of mind. Since Jan of this year, I had been in a rather introverted state. Kind of a deep depression period that had a few "good" days in the mix. When I did part of the Let's Play series of AoR 2015, I was still pretty scatterbrained with periodic episodes of depression. In Jan, I quit my job because of my weakened state and had been burned out ever since. I've been living on a sizable savings so I've been okay financially, but it's only a matter of time till the funds drain out from the monthly bills. One part of me wants to move on from modding and turn computer programming into my bread and butter. Another part of me wants to play things safe and continue modding. I'm rather torn between the ideas and had felt overwhelmed by the notion of either. If I spend time going back to modding, I'd have to argue to myself whether I'm wasting that time on something that actually costs me money and will never pay the bills. Then I tried to consider working on something on a professional level. This was when the depression hit me the hardest. In making an attempt at a decision about my future I ended up causing an overload and a complete shutdown.
I had a spout of bad luck since November of 2015 when I cut myself on my left palm with a pocket knife during work and needed stitches at the hospital. In December, I took another injury while bowling; something that I would never have considered to be dangerous to me. Yet after having fell forward into the bowling lane, my right knee has never felt the same since. It started to effect my work for Jan both physically and mentally till I was zapped of all motivations. I quit my job then spent several months turning completely hermit within my apartment. This was the time I had a small window to make EP1 of the new AoR2015 LP. It doesn't help that it takes forever to get a response from doctors in this backwards county. A county that I never chose to live in. I just happened to be stuck in here through a series of unfortunate events. I'm not getting any younger and with my state of mind, I have grown physically weakened. I'm burned out all around. I had been using my physical endurance to keep the work flowing and the money coming in, but now that's going to shit. I no longer have trust in my physical capabilities and my mental state wont allow me to make use of my true potential. I've always told myself that if I was in my right state of mind, I would have been working a career in the gaming industry by now. Not working from warehouse to warehouse as a stocker, risking injury on a daily bases. Well it seems my luck had ran out. I was getting injured on the job as well as during play starting in Nov of 2015. I'm at the point where this could very well have triggered a midlife crisis.
To compound it even further, I can't tell if I'm further depriving myself of motivation through a conflict of spirit. I've been agnostic on things lately and am unsure if this fits well with my psyche or temperament. I'm quick to anger on little things and it takes much of my will to keep from breaking stuff in a frenzy. If I'm not angry, I'm either emotionless or sad, but rarely happy. Yet I keep telling myself that I shouldn't be this way. I should be at least content. There's nothing in the environment that is holding me back, yet I feel a bad chemistry in my head. It's been almost 8 months since the knee injury. I don't feel pain from the knee, but it seems weak and I can't be sure if that weakness is psychosomatic.
Last month a doctor prescribed anti-depressants. That prescription expired late that month. I haven't heard anything back from doctors here about a renewal. With my state of mind, it takes a lot of effort for me to make inquiries by phone. My last call was 2 weeks ago [or longer]. Time is flowing kind of weird for me right now so I can't be sure. Doctor's office said they would call be back, but I haven't heard anything lately. I know I should be more persistent, but like I said, I'm having issues thinking straight and acting to move forward with my life. I live in an apartment complex where I'm going to have to file maintenance complaints about things that the manager should be staying on top of, but I feel like property management has forgotten about this building entirely. Yet I'm in a complacent and pacified state of mind; unwilling to communicate. Almost seems like an eviction notice or a natural disaster is what it might take to bring me out of my ultra hermit state.
It's already taken me a ton of effort just to post this life update. Hopefully this is a sign that the fog in my head is lifting.
